This is something I have never done before, and, if I’m being honest, it’s something I never thought I would do. But tonight, as I sit here on the floor of my room, unable to sleep, thoughts racing around in my mind, this seems like the right thing to do. Even if it never sees the light of day beyond my computer.
Doubt is often a part of our lives, more often for some than for others. Whether that doubt is in your ability to do a task, doubting your ability to understand something, doubting that person who just made a promise to you, doubting that God could ever forgive you, or that you could ever be free from that soul-crushing sin that you keep turning back to. As humans, it is our natural tendency to have doubts. The doubts I wrestled with over and over for years, and on occasion still do, are that “God could never love me,” and “why would He ever forgive me after all I have done?” These are doubts that entered my mind many times during the rollercoaster ride I was on as I battled my addiction to pornography.
What I didn’t realize for so many years, but I now remind myself of constantly, is that I was focused on myself, I was focused on what I had done wrong. I realized that if I ever wanted to destroy those doubts, I need to shift my focus, I needed to look to the cross. I needed to look to the one who made a way for me to know, without any doubt whatsoever, that I am loved. Psalm 136:1 says “his steadfast love endures forever.” Forever. No beginning, no ending, no conditions. He doesn’t care about what I have done, He simply loves me because I am His child. Nothing you do can ever get in the way of that love.
And it’s because of that love that He chooses to forgive us of all our past, present, and future sins. No matter how much sin is in my past, or your past, no matter how many times you or I will mess up in the future, He has forgiven each and every one of those sins. I love the way the band Hawk Nelson puts it in their song, Drops in the Ocean, “If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven, it's more than the drops in the ocean.”
Psalm 130, verses three and four, also really encouraged me as I took some time to get away from my racing thoughts tonight. This is what they say: If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.
If God were to keep a record of each and every sin that any one of us had committed in our lifetime, it would likely be a very, very, very long list. Do you want to know a secret about that list though? As a child of God, that list amounts to a single, blank sheet of paper. There is no list. There is no record of our sin. It has been cast “as far as the east is from the west.” That promise right there completely destroys any doubt about being forgiven, no matter how horrible the sin. I don’t have to, nor do I want to, imagine what it would be like for God to deal with us based on an ever-growing list of sins. That is the beauty and glory of God’s mercy, grace, and never-ending love.
Doubts will come, but we have a Savior who has promised us everything we could ever need or want, and no doubt can stand against those promises.
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:8-12 ESV
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